Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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