I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
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And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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