Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
