dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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