True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
this will be a night to untag.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
