Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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