listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
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In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
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