I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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