her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
