I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
