i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
