Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
