I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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