I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My pussy is not your playground.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
