I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
