I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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