So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
