We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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