I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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