I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
