In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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