Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize