I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
