is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
