so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
