he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
