Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
