i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
