OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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