How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
