I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
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He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
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We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
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