I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
thus making me awesome and them whores
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
