there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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