I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
