I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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