There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
