GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
