Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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