Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
