yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
