I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
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I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
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Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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