I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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