it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
