Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
