I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
That accounts for only three of the penises
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
