woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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