Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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