State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
