I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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