dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
