I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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