so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
there was a trapeze. enough said
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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