we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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