I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I will be naked everywhere
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?