The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
