My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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