update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
