i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
